Back in the Saddle

Heading out to the barn tonight. It's been almost 4 weeks since I've seen my horse - much too long. We've been painting at home, and have been out of town, I've also been studying for the GRE. Life can calm down a bit now so I can head out without feeling like I should be doing something else.


I know, it's totally classless - what proper horse owner/rider spends so much time away from her horse? Well, to be honest I've been a bit discouraged. She's been visited by the chiropractor twice (two different ones) and the last time I was up there I could feel those back problems flaring up again. So I notified one of the guys there that I have to be on the list for when the chiro comes back up again - sure sure, no problem. 4 weeks later and I haven't heard anything. There's really no way for us to move forward if she can't!

I'm going up tonight and we'll get reacquainted. I"m also going to do a proper saddle fitting (which, hello, I should have done the minute I tacked her up but it looked like it fit just fine and the sweat marks were consistent) - I've been following this blog (http://saddlefitter.blogspot.com/) and now have a couple more things to look for. Part of me really wants to find problems with the saddle so I can say that the saddle is what's causing problems. She does snap at me and try to bite when I tack up but that's pretty consistent with how she behaved with the western saddle I used. So A) My english saddle doesn't fit her, B)both saddles don't fit her, C) she just has attitude or D) the back problems are exasperated when I ride so she recalls that pain when I tack up, regardless of whether the pain is actually there, or E) a combo of the above (not an answer you would find on the GRE). I sound like such a beginner with my excuses and "I didn't (do this/that)." At least I'm working this through though, at least I'm responsible (even if said responsibility is tardy).

Ok.

Peace out yos.

The World of Blogging

I have had no desire to blog since well, 2009. Lots have happened since then to take up this time and lately I've been completely immersed in the world of other bloggers and knowing how little I do blog, have felt completely shamed and inspired by them. Most of the bloggers I read use blogging as part of their full-time and part-time jobs - interior design, therefore their blogs must be updated daily and filled with pictures and tutorials. I blog to share my thoughts with an unseen world and thus do not have to keep up a daily blog. I feel very narcissistic posting thoughts, rants, etc., as I know I'm the only one reading this and it's very similar to updating on facebook. Really, I just want people to be interested in my life and if they are reading this blog, I feel much satisfaction. That being said, I think subconsciously I self-imposed hiatus on posting on my blog. Rather to kill the selfish desire to be heard and stamp it out as best I could than to indulge it and allow it growth.

However the urge is back. I found a gorgeous new template/design and all of these blogs I'm reading have given me the urge to write again.

Plus I think I want some accountability as we redesign our home. Aaaaack! Accountability! Now either I have to do it or resign myself to another failed attempt at doing something.

P.s. blog world, I'm taking the GRE October 29. Hellllllllp!!!!!!

Invictus, The Man in the Arena, and If

Michael and I watched "Invictus" Saturday afternoon as part of his birthday celebration. "Invictus," by William Ernest Henley, is a poem Nelson Mandela memorized and used as encouragement during his 27 years of imprisonment. In the movie President Mandela gives the captain of the Springboks this poem; in reality it was "The Man in the Arena" - an excerpt from a Paris speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt. Upon tracking down both poems I came across the "If-" poem by Rudyard Kipling.

These poems/excerpts, while they're not the passionate-bursting-forth-with-raging-action, are filled to the brim with passion, with calm stalwart passion, the very words that stir mens' souls to determined and long-lasting passionate action. Please read.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley


If-

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And — which is more — you'll be a Man my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

The Man in the Arena

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

- Theodore Roosevelt

Speaking of Grace....

It occurred to me that when it comes to grace, I am constantly short-changing myself. I can't remember the last time I fully allowed grace to come and cover me. Not just the grace that forgives (I don't know about you, but to me grace often only comes when I feel forgiven- yes feel), but the grace that wraps around me and bundles me from allowing the foolish things I do (where forgiveness doesn't exactly need to be applied) to weigh me down.

Can grace be applied to when we are embarrassing? When I act foolishly and waves of self-consciousness flood over me, I never ever allow grace to flood overtop of the feeling of inadequacy. Nor do I give the people around me, those closest to me, the opportunity to offer grace, I'm too busy apologizing or feeling like an idiot.

I wonder how my confidence would look if I quit holding tight to the foolish feelings and instead just embraced grace. I think I'd be the very most me. With the strongest sense of self-awareness and confidence.

If I just embraced grace.

Visiting 'Dassah

Lindsey and I are heading up to Bob Winn's to check out 'Dassah tonight.

It's so strange to feel this way, to have such hope in an area where in the past hope was merely praying to get through the year.

If I knew then what I know now, how to work with the horse, how to build a partnership with them, how to move forward in that partnership, that past hope would have a partnership with joy.

I know, I know, "what if's" are fool's play.

How difficult it is (and reluctant I am) to allow grace to cover me.

Health-Care

Let me just get this off my chest: YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Now I can continue with a bit more restraint.

Dear Congress,

I am furious with you right now. My fellow Americans are suffering and dying because you won't pass a bill giving more of your constituents health-care. The people you represent, those under you care and watch, are going bankrupt and losing loved-ones because you don't agree about some sub-section of this bill. The overall theme, as I understand - so correct me if I'm wrong, is that those who can't afford health-care will now be able to, whether it's through a private company or the government. My family, friends, and co-citizens of this great country will now have access to services which will prevent illness, promote health, and should the need arise, provide medicine and treatment.

We are already in trillions of dollars of debt - spent on hmm, let me see... wars which cause more wars, and..well, that's a good enough example. So we're agreed that we can spend money to kill foreigners (and our own) but to spend less (LESS) to save lives of the very citizens (and non-citizen workers of this country) who make up this country and fill the ranks of those who end up being sent off to war TO DIE is something that we have to spend over 60 years hashing out the details.

Can we agree this doesn't make much sense? I would very much like to be there when you spill out the differences in opinion over this health-care bill to the woman dying of cancer because her insurance won't cover it, to the young father unable to afford the medicine and dr.s visit for his children - let alone any treatment that will (as it surely will) come from being unable to afford preventative measures, and to my friends who don't qualify for insurance because the only job they could find was part-time and their employer doesn't offer insurance for part-time workers.

People are precious, we agree that life is precious, we agree that America is one of the greatest nations of our time. How can we look at ourselves and call us a progressed country when many of the youth of our nation, the part-time workers, the elderly, and the homeless all will go without insurance at sometime? What do we tell the women who cannot afford the doctors visits which would pick-up the unusual lump or the cervical cancer. What do we say to our men who are at a high risk for prostate cancer and cannot afford the chemotherapy, the workers in the factories where exposure to certain materials will certainly lead to lung disease - who don't work enough hours to qualify for health-insurance, what do we say to their children when they lose that mother or father, sister or brother? What do we tell them? Oh, sorry, the deficit is too large now, the bill contains that little section on federal funding, hmmm, the language in that section on illegal immigrants isn't what we want it to be.

A radical idea is termed radical for a reason. "Reform" is "reform" for a reason. This isn't the time to shy away and continue down this path, at some point we have to step away and down and road not yet broken. We are America! This is the essence of our existance! The road was not yet made in 1492, 1776, or 1963. We are the land of the brave! If we want true reform we have to take that first step. Elect new politicans if they're not doing want we as a democracy need. If you think they're stupid, fine, vote for a differant one next time. Speak out, speak up, and move on!

We each have but one life. ONE LIFE. We each exist but once. How much more precious are our lives and the lives of the ones around us? The US has survived over 200 years with courage and bravery, we have survived over 200 years not by sheltering ourselves, not by shying away from the new, not by hiding from agressors. Passing this health-care bill, passing the bill to give our citizens the pursuit of life, is the least we can do to continue the American legacy as we have for the last two hundred years. We have to trust our financial advisors, we have to trust those whom we elect, we have to trust that should this go awry, we are smart enough, brave enough, and wise enough to know that not should we just fix it, but how. We have to trust that America is what we claim her to be.

Can we deny the constitutional right of the pursuit of life to our brothers and sisters? Why can't we pass a bill that to me seems for the most part to genuinely care about my fellow citizens? To me, a generic US citizen, this bill will provide those who live in this country with me basic health-care. How can we deny our people this?

Dear Congress - I should like not to view you as a bunch of old white men sitting around smoking stogies, swigging whiskey, and patting each other on the back. That's how I see you though. I don't think you actually care about your people, my people, I don't think you want anything more than to make a name for yourself, good or bad, in the history books. I sent you to Congress to look out for me and my people, why do I feel you are looking out for none but yourself?

Sincerly,

Sarah Wakefield Kinninger

Work

I know I want to:

• Work for people, the public, on a daily basis. Not just my co-workers.
  
• Find solutions
  
• Provide a service
• Be a help
• Be active at work
• NOT be in front of a computer 40/40
• Work in a casual atmosphere - it's either a casual uniform or casual dress
• Did I mention interact with people?
• Talk about healthy relationships
• Be involved with sports, health, wellness, and/or providing information for better living (also known as wellness)

Side thoughts:

• I also do enjoy the equestrian sports but I don't know how hardcore I am. I've been out of it awhile.*
  
• How can I help people better their lives (via counseling, health services, health information, sport-ish camps, health/phys ed classes) AND not spend the next 3 years getting another undergrad degree?
• I don't think I'm all that inclined for Physical or Occupational therapy - see above.
  
• I don't find myself leaning to working with the special needs populations

* All I remember are crabby horses and CHILDREN WHO WON'T LISTEN because they don't care because their parents brought them and barking dogs.

Introspection Retrospectively

I found this amongst my drafts from last year. It seemed well enough to post.


I don't even know where to begin.

I can't sleep at night. I just lay there, sometimes still talking (with no distractions my mind settles down and I just can't stop the thoughts from verbalizing themselves), mostly trying to stem the flood of thinking - my mind whirs like a fan on high and seems to take forever to slow down after I turn it off. It's strange how thoughts that come in the night are akin to epiphanies but the next morning the idea that shook me from head to toe is now casually recalled and then mentally tossed into the in-box for an indefinite period.

On the occasion that I do stir from near slumber to track down a pen and paper and allow my thoughts some validity, I find that the next morning those thoughts aren't as ridiculous as when I merely think about them. Sometimes I can hold onto that thought and the next night they will bear more fruit. Other times merely writing them down releases them from my mind and allows for more room for other pearls.

Many times I find myself on a soapbox late at night, mentally ranting on and on about the subject of dating, more specifically, the subject of girls yearning for the manifestation of their value and "finding" it in guys. Never would have I called it a "calling" but this morning, after giving the subject nearly an hour of my life the night before, it struck me that perhaps that's what it is, a calling. A desire to reroute my peers and the adolescent youth from digging through the garbage and slums for their pricelessness and to travel a healthier road.*

Horses have been apart of my entire life. Growing up I lived and breathed horses; to this day no smell compares to a deep breath of horse. I still have memories of watching my mother's horse, Beau, munch on grass beside our barn. I loved watching the process as they ate; the sound of the chomping, the grass there one second and gone the next. A horse grazes, meaning it moves around as it eats. The peculiar part about grazing is that horses eat in no apparent pattern. They don't start at one end of a field and methodically make their way to the other end. They weave around, moving as they please, sensing and smelling where the next bit of lush legume will be.

Horses do not graze in a standard pattern for several reasons, certain plants are toxic and horses can detect that, other times they simply want to be nearer to a herdmate, but most of all, horses know where to find the tastiest and, by default, most healthy grass. When their main diet is lacking in a mineral or nutrient, a horse is then forced to find that mineral or nutrient elsewhere. It will nudge and nose around, smelling it out and, believe it or not, will commence to eat or lick whatever it is that contains that mineral or nutrient. We had a mare once who, after we switched grain suppliers, began chewing up the wood in her stall. Our vet recommended a grain supplement and the chewing stopped. One might think, "Wood?" What the heck?! Well, when an animal can't find their default source of food, they will desperately seek for anything else. They will even eat toxic plants.

People do that with food too. When you're not eating healthily, your body will crave whatever nutrients and minerals it isn't getting. When your body becomes deprived it will focus on that deprivation and next thing you know, you've knocked back a whole bag of potato chips, a large soft drink, and you're working on a box of cookies. When in imbalance, the body seeks to compensate. If you begin eating healthily, providing to your body all the nutrients it needs in ways it can absorb those nutrients, you'll find that junk food is not in the least appealing. You won't chew on wood.

It's the same with behavior. When a person (or animal in some cases) is not provided with love, nurturing, and guidance (both in positive enforcement and constructive criticism (which we know as discipline)), when a person is not filled with the knowledge and feeling that who they are is important and loved (and validated and cared for), they will seek to compensate, they will fill their lives with whatever will give that to them. My old (way back in the day) volleyball coach used to say something along the lines of this (and though I don't care for the fact that he said it to us, it still holds a bit of relevance), "If I'm not coaching ( more like screaming at) you during the game, then I've given up on you." I'm sure it was meant as encouragement when he kept shouting at us, but I took it as the person whom he wasn't shouting at. In my mind I obviously wasn't cared about or had any worth as a team member; he wasn't paying attention anymore. I bring this up because the lack of discipline or instruction in a persons life is exactly the same thing as saying "I don't care about you," or, "I don't care about you enough to show you the best ways to grow as the person you are." Which then leads to, "I don't love you as you."





*I'm not quite ready to describe "healthier" as a life with Christ, even though it is. It's not my mode to slap Christ on a problem and say, "Well, there you go! That'll do it!" I feel too many use Christ as duct tape (even though in many cases, it's the only way to start the process of healing and life) and not enough show proof of that abundant life, of the results that come with core healing.