Herbal Happenstance: Herbs Behaving Badly

My herbs want to die.

They really do. They want to end life as they know it now.

Case in point:

I bought six (6) herbs over a period of a week. One Lavender (smells divine), two Rosemary (one of the traditionally used variety and one of a dwarf like "barbecue" variety - from which all of this nonsense might stem, although all leaves point towards Basil), one Parsley, one Oregano and the aforementioned Basil. Please read with the following pronunciation in mind as this variety prefers "Bahzhill." (I'm telling you, the instigator in all of this is Basil.....or is it?)

Now after acquiring all of said herbs, I have had no place to plant them. Written on ever single one of their plant tags, with no exception, were the words, "Plant in FULL SUN." Well then, as the budding gardener that I am, I aspire to plant to perfection. Follow those direction I shall! There's a window box on the inside of our balcony in the far corner which would be perfect. Except it's on the inside and therefore lacks full sun like is necessary for my hell bent on death precious plants. The afternoon after my purchases I found Parsley's stems leaning as far over to the south (the side with sun) as its stems could go. This just would not do. As this "windowbox" just won't hunt, and I had no over-the-wall planters, an executive decision had to be made. I decided to keep my foul-minded flora et fauna in their respective containers until I could provide them with the heavenly herbal habitat that was due them. I love(d) my herbs! Of course I would think nothing less than to provide them with the best! They have every vegetations right to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness! Or at least the right to enjoy all previous rights until I deem it necessary to eat them. That time is coming more quickly than previously anticipated.

Instead of planting them in the life-sapping inside-the-balcony window box just to remove them and plant them elsewhere, thus disrupting their fragile roots and stems, all that came about of my executive decision as the rightful owner of these heinous herbals was to prolong their planting until their own Eden had been created.

Did they take to that idea?

How about a resounding "No!"

I set them upon the wide ledge of our balcony in order to give them the fullest sunlight for the longest period of time, as much and for as long as I could possibly give. There were no other options. None.

Late one afternoon, three days after setting them upon the wide-as-Aunt Bertha's-hips ledge, Michael and I arrived home from work. There on the bottom steps of our staircase, on the cold hard, SUNLESS, concrete steps in a fiberous mess of leaves and stems lay my nemesis beloved Basil. Dear sweet Basil had flung himself off the Bertha ledge in an unprecedented attempt to end it all. We had arrived too late to save one large stem, but fortunately for Basil, he still has a promising life left yet to live. I know he can move past this tragic event. He.will. If it kills me. If I have to spend every waking minute watching that beastly Basil, I will, I will offer life to him and he will LIKE IT. THAT DAMN PLANT WILL SUCK IT UP AND LIVE.

I lovingly placed him back on the ledge, albeit a bit closer to the apartment. four days later, as we were leaving to go to my parents house, I noticed that the ledge seemed a bit.... sparse. Thinking nothing of it but that I had separated the perps in order to prevent conspiracy, I locked the door and we headed down to the car. Suddenly my life came crashing to a halt. There, on the bottom cold, hard, and concrete steps, er, cold hard and SUNLESS concrete steps lay two limp and lifeless aromatic plants. Parsley and Oregano. How could they? Parsley had long recovered from its tragic stem bending experience and Oregano, oh my dear sweet Oregano, you of all herbs, so lush and low, such an encouraging plant you are. You have such a great life!

I hurried them back up the stairs and placed them in the window box. In a desperate effort to ensure the safety of all my herbal hunnies, I placed each one in the window box. I scurried inside to fill some random vessel with water. Michael followed me halfway into the apartment but kept watch outside. As I filled said random vessel, out of the corner of my eye I caught Michael lunging out of the door to our balcony followed by a shout of "NO, DON'T DO IT!"

Sure enough, Rosemary the Dwarf had inched towards the ledge. I filled their containers with water, the better to weigh them down and hinder movement. As we drove to my parents I made an oath to buy window boxes at the earliest possible opportunity.

That evening we arrived home. I scoured the steps for any possible hints of attempted escape or suicide. I hesitantly made my way up the steps and rounded the top landing only to find that my fears were not yet to be set aside. There, in the window box, lay Basil and Parsley. Apparently as they could not fling themselves off the ledge, they did what they could to display their dissatisfaction. Sometimes I feel like my attempts are in vain. Why can they not embrace my love?

I went out the next day and bought two window boxes. The Rosemaries are now with the Lavender; Basil, Parsley, and Oregano are housed in their own window box. I wanted them to know I harbor no insult and that I can forgive, so I kept them with their comrades as best I could. As I am still lacking in over-the-wall brackets, I have placed the window-boxes on the ground.

I feel very victorious albeit defeated. They no longer have the ability to follow through with their suicidal plans..... of course, there's always a water-strike.