Well, it's not stupid, but it can be aggravating at times! I do have a nicer post that's being mulled over but until then, this is how I feel.
I'm aggravated. Not at God, not with God's plan for my life, I'm absolutely in love with Him. I'm aggravated that I'm a pansy. I'm irritated that I don't want to move out of Ohio/Columbus without a close friend to be with me. I'm aggravated that Becky can move to Florida, Ashlie to Colorado (but she does have close friends out there), and Leslie to Cleveland then on to who knows where. I'm aggravated that I don't want to move out of Columbus because I'm actually worried that I might get mugged, abducted, or raped. Here's the kicker: I don't know that I would worry about that if I moved to a foreign country! Here's another little bit: I just don't think that I want to put myself out there in harm's way! Am I saying that all women who live on their own will be raped/mugged/abducted? No, but the chances are very high. Am I saying that by living in C-bus I'm limiting my chances of those things happening? Nope, but I do have a roommate. She's awesome. She carries mace while I flitter about without a care to my well being.
I'm angered that I think like this. I'm angered that I think about my well being and take into consideration that harm might come my way, so I take precautions to avoid it. I should be fearless. I should remind myself that God is with me at all times and nothing happens outside of His will. That said, I still don't want to move out on my own, sans roommate. I love people and having people around me, heck, having 7 roommates for 3 years was awesome! Thinking of living in a new town without close friends is.... not appealing. But I am brave! I do brave things! I travel the world by MYSELF! Ask anyone who knows me and they'll not call me a coward. I am brave like Becky and Leslie. I don't mind being by myself, I do know deep down that the Lord is with me. Really, deep down I know that. There's just something within me that rises up and says, "Man, no. I really don't want to do that!"
I think I'll go bang my head against the wall for a bit.
And if any of you quote scripture at me, I'll bang your head against the wall. Hey, I'm just being real...... and I'll really do it.
Stupid life. Am I not supposed to die to myself and live for Him? As a Christian I'm not called to worry about my well being! I'm not to give a care about myself. I think I've arrived at Frustration Station and I have one foot on the train to "Resting in Him," and the other in "selfishly-caring-about-my-own-life."
Well, now I've got to take off. I've got yogurt and orange juice in the trunk and if I don't get them into the fridge I might die of some parasite/virus/disease. Call that ironic.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
L'isola di Iona
I haven't posted in quite some time (obviously) but hopefully this won't be as painful or time consuming as I keep thinking it will be.
Right about now I'm suffering from some remaining wisps of that painful travelling affliction they call ,"Jet Lag." So far I'm still (hah, still... like two days really) waking up at 3am and falling asleep around 6-ish. This means that around lunchtime I wander around the office in the hopes that I can find something that might keep me awake. Alas, coffee has lost it's hold on me and I fear I've become immune to caffeine. I'm also suffering from a lack of appetite. I was going to post about 3 weeks ago that I had been eating everything in sight (which is absolute truth), but I didn't mostly because it seemed ridiculous to just post that I had the appetite of 5 teenage boys. Now I've the appetite of a 80 year old lady with no teeth. Except I have teeth.
For all those who do read this post (and from what the public is telling me, quite a few of you do) in case you didn't know, I had been travelling for the last 9 days in Scotland. Hence the jet lag. 2 summers ago I spent a couple months in Italy and travelling around Western Europe/lower UK. Scotland has been my dream to visit since I was a young lass (mmhmm, and I did pick up some lovely vocab while over there) and after 20+- years, I finally made it. Scotland did not disappoint. She's as lovely as a country should be and more. Although I had planned on posting a few anecdotes, because they are so precious to me and so dear to my heart, I just cannot share them. I will share this in the hopes that self-deprecation will prove humoring.
Scene: Pitch-black evening, no stars out, no street lights, on the Island of Iona. Michael and I are walking back from the Bishop's House quiet service. There's one main road on Iona and our hostel is at the very end of it, down a farmer's lane, through a sheep pasture, and nestled among some crags. We're about halfway back to the hostel and it's been quite the journey in the dark. When I say you can't see anything, I mean, zero visibility. Suddenly a (unseen) dog starts howling and barking and proving itself quite the guard dog. I thought for sure it might be some large Doberman or such.
Michael: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.... Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil....." (etc)
Me: "Why are you reciting the Lord's prayer?"
Michael (whispering): "I'm not preparing to eat the dog, Sarah. I'm praying against it."
(end scene)
DISCLAIMER: I do know what the Lord's prayer is and I do know the 23 Psalm, I would like to remind all that all I could think about was the dinosaur-sized Doberman that was about to have me for a mid-evening snack. - Turns out the dog was a farm collie and friendly as all get out--yeah, not so hot with the whole dog barking interpretation.... I'll work on that though.
The truth be that my heart was eager for Scotland and the beauty that one's heart and soul desires was found there. The most precious little nooks and crannies of my heart that are reserved for embracing true beauty were loved on and filled. Each person's heart is unique in their shape and so only few things will ever fill and fit that mold precisely. My heart's mold ran over with all that tried to pour into it for each minute was filled with something that my heart desired. I remember kneeling down at the beach on Iona and thinking that if I just felt the sand in my hand and placed a tangible feeling to what I was feeling inside, I might be able to ground myself. I let the sand dribble down between my fingers and slowly rubbed the granules but instead of drawing me out of the whirl of beauty I was experiencing, it only proved to add to it. It only proved to show me that it was real.
This past year and much more so these past few months have taken me much deeper in my quest to know my Lord. I've continuously asked myself these questions:
Right about now I'm suffering from some remaining wisps of that painful travelling affliction they call ,"Jet Lag." So far I'm still (hah, still... like two days really) waking up at 3am and falling asleep around 6-ish. This means that around lunchtime I wander around the office in the hopes that I can find something that might keep me awake. Alas, coffee has lost it's hold on me and I fear I've become immune to caffeine. I'm also suffering from a lack of appetite. I was going to post about 3 weeks ago that I had been eating everything in sight (which is absolute truth), but I didn't mostly because it seemed ridiculous to just post that I had the appetite of 5 teenage boys. Now I've the appetite of a 80 year old lady with no teeth. Except I have teeth.
For all those who do read this post (and from what the public is telling me, quite a few of you do) in case you didn't know, I had been travelling for the last 9 days in Scotland. Hence the jet lag. 2 summers ago I spent a couple months in Italy and travelling around Western Europe/lower UK. Scotland has been my dream to visit since I was a young lass (mmhmm, and I did pick up some lovely vocab while over there) and after 20+- years, I finally made it. Scotland did not disappoint. She's as lovely as a country should be and more. Although I had planned on posting a few anecdotes, because they are so precious to me and so dear to my heart, I just cannot share them. I will share this in the hopes that self-deprecation will prove humoring.
Scene: Pitch-black evening, no stars out, no street lights, on the Island of Iona. Michael and I are walking back from the Bishop's House quiet service. There's one main road on Iona and our hostel is at the very end of it, down a farmer's lane, through a sheep pasture, and nestled among some crags. We're about halfway back to the hostel and it's been quite the journey in the dark. When I say you can't see anything, I mean, zero visibility. Suddenly a (unseen) dog starts howling and barking and proving itself quite the guard dog. I thought for sure it might be some large Doberman or such.
Michael: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.... Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil....." (etc)
Me: "Why are you reciting the Lord's prayer?"
Michael (whispering): "I'm not preparing to eat the dog, Sarah. I'm praying against it."
(end scene)
DISCLAIMER: I do know what the Lord's prayer is and I do know the 23 Psalm, I would like to remind all that all I could think about was the dinosaur-sized Doberman that was about to have me for a mid-evening snack. - Turns out the dog was a farm collie and friendly as all get out--yeah, not so hot with the whole dog barking interpretation.... I'll work on that though.
The truth be that my heart was eager for Scotland and the beauty that one's heart and soul desires was found there. The most precious little nooks and crannies of my heart that are reserved for embracing true beauty were loved on and filled. Each person's heart is unique in their shape and so only few things will ever fill and fit that mold precisely. My heart's mold ran over with all that tried to pour into it for each minute was filled with something that my heart desired. I remember kneeling down at the beach on Iona and thinking that if I just felt the sand in my hand and placed a tangible feeling to what I was feeling inside, I might be able to ground myself. I let the sand dribble down between my fingers and slowly rubbed the granules but instead of drawing me out of the whirl of beauty I was experiencing, it only proved to add to it. It only proved to show me that it was real.
This past year and much more so these past few months have taken me much deeper in my quest to know my Lord. I've continuously asked myself these questions:
- Why am I a Christian?
- What does it mean to follow Christ? (and by that, follow God/Holy Spirit)
- When I shed all that does not pertain to the truth of following Christ (the things that we humans add that will supposedly help our relationship with Christ (rules and such)) what do I do with this freedom?
- Should I be this free?
Mostly I've been dwelling on the whole concept of Free Will. I don't know if I shall be struck down by lightning with this next sentence (family joke), but I think I would be a Christian merely (hah, merely) for the sake of His Free Will. Now I am no philosopher or theologian (although, as a Christian I'm probably entitled to be) so for all ye great thinkers out there who know everything, please refrain from commenting. Allow me my mullings. Allow me to reference to 1 John 4: 7-19. The general gist is this: He loved us first (v 19). He didn't make me love him although each day is filled with loving Him because He loved me. I have been chosen, but I believe I had the free will to say aye or nay. The minute I said, "Aye," I walked through this gateway and when I had gone through and turned around on the back of the gateway it said "Chosen." But per usual, I digress.
I shall be hurt, heart broken, and wronged all my life. At some point I know I shall suffer great injustices. Many times people will hold things against me that I never committed or said. Lives of loved ones around me will be taken and those I hold dearest may turn from me and never love me again. There might be a time when I am greatly injured, either emotionally or physically, and I will never be the person I was prior to that. But for all of that, I will rejoice. For those who commit those wrongs against me are living proof that the Lord loves me. They have the very same free will that I have and for that I am desperately thankful. It is at the expense of the innocents that we all have the free will to love Him, but He shall stick true to His love for us. He loves all equally and is eager to share Himself with all equally. How could I love a God who loved me more than my neighbor? Evil men and women are just as equally given free will as the innocents and I love Him for that. And what more precious is this, knowing that the innocents shall suffer great harm and pain and abuse so that He might love us all, He has provided His Spirit so that we might always have healing and love readily available.
Now carry that in your heart and travel to the lands of Scotland and Iona and tell me that a pouring out of His love and beauty in your soul is unrealistic. So many "Christians" wander around morose with the complaint that they are never shown His love. I ask you if you've prepared your heart to receive it! Haven't you longed for His love? Why do you keep telling yourself that it's unrealistic? Don't ever let go to that which your heart deems as precious. What is unrealistic is this: that so many of you might come up to me and ask me why I have all the wonderful experiences! Why are you so envious?! I am no different! I refuse to give up the hope and desires of my heart. I shall cling to them like a drowning sailor in a hurricane clasps a life-ring. I might not have the mind of a physicist, I might not have the talent of a world class gymnast, and I might not have the ability of a surgeon. (I say might not just because I don't want the rest of you to feel bad if it turns out that I do :)) but I do know that in this life, I have His love and He has made known His love to me. That's all I care about.
Oh yeah. I don't know if I mentioned this, but Scotland was great! If you ever visit Iona, tell the people at the Abbey that the starving Americans sent them and send their best!
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