nobodies business.

I feel rough. Rough around the edges, rough around the soul.

Like a rough gravelly drive, looking over at her nemesis Enchantment, a slow moving creek with grassy banks.

I feel jagged and broken; nothing is fluid, nothing is smooth.

I want to be easy to take, like the weathered maple syrup cabin sitting on the side of the hill, framed by the woods.

Easy like a forest in autumnal flame.

Easy like water on the lake.

I should be that hillside, covered in nature. Permanent and home.

Winter has a hold on me; I’m dying for spring. A flower in frost.

Thank God the joke's on me.

Secret Shoppers for Churches

You have got to be joking. I know many churches, at least the one's that make it in the news, have turned towards gimmicks to draw in larger audiences. I understand that nowadays, Christ is more of a perk in church, rather than the reason for it. I realize that following Christ is too much of a maturity process for people; it requires more adjustment, well hell, following Christ is fully an adjustment of the spirit/soul. One cannot buy their new life with Christ and have it delivered to their door; they can't return it when it doesn't fit.

This life with Christ will never fit at first and it will never adjust to fit one's self; each person must adjust to fit what Christ has so freely given. It's the marriage everyone dreams of and when they wake up 6 months into it, after pushing through the growing pains and the deep love and then times that try one's soul, they realize that 1) unimaginable growth has occurred (they're not the same shallow person they were 6 months ago, and 2) the more they die to their own selfish ways and attitudes, the more beautiful this relationship/partnership becomes!

I know 6 months is nothing to those who have decades under their relational belt, but these 6 months are priceless to me; I never knew how much it would mean to me to have gone through this process of marriage, I never realized how precious and life-saving the marital life would be. Now granted, I'm married to the most amazing man and that gift in and of itself leaves me speechless and forever grateful.

At any rate, this life with Christ can't be bought (does anybody remember that the price for it has already been paid?). This life with Christ cannot be replaced with small talk, specialty coffees, and a worship band! DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THE TRUE MEANING OF THE CHURCH?! If you don't want Christ, stay of out of my church. that's right, little "c" church. The church.

This is why I hate what "Christianity" has become. This is why I don't like going to church anymore. This is why I don't want to be associated with Christians. How can you dare mock the name of Christ by calling yourself a "Christian"! Am I being hoity-toity about this? Yes. Am I saying I'm better than you because I think my bare bones relationship with Christ is better than your designer style relationship? Yes. (I realize this is an area where great work is needed, but frankly, all you "Christians" have pissed me off beyond the point of caring, at this moment at least). I'm saying that a true relationship with Christ isn't found in a building, it's not found with a rock-style worship band, it's not found in how appealing the sermon is; it's not found with how much you pour yourself into the small group, women's group, men's group, Saturday morning group. That relationship isn't found by attending the teen group, the new moms group, the singles group, the pre-marriage counseling group, the divorced support group, or any other support group. Disclaimer: the relationship can be encouraged and supported by attending the above groups; I'm not at all saying they're a bad idea, great help and a show of love and support and community is found with these groups.

I don't judge the church on the cobwebs, the water stains, the "random bucket" (what???) under the sink, or the worship band. I love going to churches that either have only one person signing acoustically or have no worship at all (I get so bothered with being in tune that anything that might speak to me from whatever song it is that I'm singing will blow right over my head. I'll sing on my my own time, thank you.). I'm not going to judge the church based on the cracks in the pavement or any other asthetically disturbing or pleasing aspect of the church. I want to know if the church is speaking the truth, both by pastor and parishoners. I want to know if I'm going to hear about Christ or if I'm going to be fed something to appease my guilty soul.

The article linked below is about a new church phenomenon: Secret Shoppers. Apparently these guys or girls attend church services to give their opinion as a "newcomer." How can they tell what a newcomer wants? Do you really want people in your church who are turned off by the greeters or the peeling paint? Don't you want people to come because your church is a place of Christ's truth and true love?

I've got more to spout off on but I've worked myself up into quite a mood; I'll need to settle.

The Mystery Worshipper

Antique Mommy

Antique Mommy's Bailout Plan

This lady has the bailout plan done right. See the follow-up post on her site for more great thoughts.

a little bit small, a little bit strong

I do not place my hope on the shoulders of all who gone before me. My hope does not come from the stories of yore, the hopes of ancestors, the ideals of those who have gone before me. But my hope is backed by the truth of the past and the complimented by the hopes of my fathers.

My hope is present. My hope is not dated and antiqued; filled full by others’ dreams. My hope is fraught with doubt and bombarded by the “truth of today.” This hope, the fuel that spurs my heart, should not be explained away by science. It is not scientific and therefore, my hope is not an equation; it is not an organ in me but still very much united with me, a running current that connects me to others.

Strip me down and find the source of this hope; how can I walk each day and breathe each day without hope? I would be nothing less than a cadaver.

My hope stems from what I know; it is not based on the pseudo-faith of others who merely use hope for an identity but have no idea of the life that hope gives.

Why explain my hope away? What is it to you if I believe because I do? Why would you try to destroy this?

Who destroyed you?

Hello Ohio

Hello Ohio

The back roads
I know Ohio
Like the back of my hand
Alone Ohio
Where the river bends
And it’s strange to see your story end

In my life I've seen a thousand dreams
Through the threshers all torn to pieces
And the land lay bare
Someone turned a profit there
And a good son lost his life in a strip pit

When the sun went down we would all leave town
And light our fires in Egypt Bottom
And the reservoir was just as good for Joni
‘Cause we knew we would
Dream outloud in the night air

Holly said, Don’t go inside the children’s home
Mary said, Don’t leave your man alone
Valerie was singin’ to the radio
Ohio

It was summertime in ‘83
We were burnin’ out at the rubber tree
Wonderin’ what in the world
Would make all this worthwhile
And if I knew then I was older then
Would I see regret to the last mile

Hello Ohio
The back roads
I know Ohio
Like the back of my hand
Alone Ohio
Where the river bends
And it’s strange to see your story end
How I hate to see your story end
It’s so sad to see your story end

Words and Music, Karen Bergquist of Over The Rhine

Do it, go check them out.

Oh the life!

All I want right now is for this to be me (with Michael and Jacks nearby)...

Viggo

"It's about trying to make the right choices, but then you go along a little, then a little more, and then you try to justify what you've gone along with," (Viggo) Mortensen said. "Just like what happens in any country. Even now, I'm sure over the past eight years there are people that kind of go, `I voted for that guy twice,' or as a legislator, `I can't believe I allowed that law to compromise on another piece of legislation.' It all adds up to changes where you say, `If I had known eight years ago what all these little choices would have added up to, then I wouldn't have made so many of them."'

See the entire article here.

So I ran a 10K.......

My Memories/Thoughts/Observations during the Nike+ 10K Human Race in New York City

12.) Conformity. Never have I seen so many red shirts (Two thoughts: sounds a bit communist, aye? and well, for that matter, so many shirts of the same color) in one place, at one time. According to the powers that be (Nike), there were around 10,000 runners, nearly all wearing red. We probably looked like a throng of giant red-orange centipedes, with spots. (Some runners just came to run in the event, not the race, and subsequently were not attired like the rest– apparently if you had the Nike+ getup you could run with the crowd and while your time wouldn’t count for the race, it would count with all the other Nike+ runners.

11.) Why the hell were we running on one of the poorest First World courses ever thought up? It’s NYC for crying out loud, not the back alleys of some high-range dying municipality, and it’s Nike, not some poor low-end sneaker company just starting out. Nike, you have plenty to spend; if you’re going to tout something like the “World’s Largest One Day Running Event,” at least get the logistics in order so consumers/runners don’t associate “fool” with your brand.

10.) Darnit how I hate people running in brand-new running shoes on race day. If you’re running, then you worked hard (or at least I would hope you had) to get up the stamina to run for 6.2 miles, let it show people! At least don’t give off the appearance that the idea to run in this race just popped into your little noggin at the last minute and off you bustled to the closest Finish Line to pick up the newest and brightest pair of the latest Nikes on the shelf. *Sarah bursts into flames in moment of last-straw fury* Darnit I worked hard, ran in pain and rain, and heat and suffered the frustration of loved ones who would love to have a life that wasn’t determined by “So, how many miles today?” I can’t stand it to have someone breeze past me in blindingly new sneaks; makes me feel like you can do anything on a whim and I have to bust my butt and I still can’t keep up! Blast it I’m smokin’ again.

9.) So many people! I got passed lots of times but I still managed to stay in the middle of the pack. This was just a long run with benefits for me so I didn’t really care at all about my time (which is good, as my time was apparently slower than a walkers’), but man alive did I get passed! And each time I thought I was near the rear of this chaos, I turned around and saw hundreds of runners behind me, eating my dust.

9.A) Okay, okay, the “eating my dust” bit was probably too much, but still, I’m not going to sugar it any, it was nice to look back and see tons of runners behind me. I know they probably didn’t get to start for 10 minutes after my group began… I know they’re probably the walkers who just decided to jog for a bit. I KNOW! Just being real though; if you’ve ever run a race in which you weren’t sure at all how you would compare to the other runners, I know you’ve thought the same thing. Go ahead and pray for my wretched soul.

8.) Holy Crap we’re stuck on a bridge. (See #9) Turns out someone didn’t think through mathematics of 10,000 people running over a maximum-4-person-wide bridge right before the Laps 2 and finish split. (Granted not all 10,000 were trying to cross at the same time, only say, 300 or so.) In order to instill a semblance of order, staff members were screaming at the people who were crossing, “Lap 1 TO THE LEFT, LAP 2 TO THE RIGHT.” Which makes sense except for one little tiny detail: Anyone crossing the bridge was ending their Lap 1 or headed to the finish line, which was a right past the bridge. So there were people finishing Lap 1 who were told the aforementioned and subsequently headed to the right, straight into the stadium for the finish and an amazing race time. Utter chaos. Oh, and need I mention the knee-high wooden benches along the left of the bridge? No warning whatsoever except for the sudden sideways movement of the person in front of you. Good times.

7.) Oh wow is Michael hot. In all absolute seriousness, those were my thoughts each time I ran by him. The first time I found him he was just after the bridge and since we were all past the “TO THE LEFT”, I was able to swing into the empty space on the right just past the split and wave hello and somehow manage to start running after my knees turned to jell-o and I couldn’t find my breath. (While one might think I was breathless from the race I was running it is to be recalled that this was just after the bridge where we had taken a 10min break to shuffle across, plenty of time to ease the heart-rate back down). The second time I was jarred from my focus by the lithe young man with smoldering blue eyes and a strong jaw occurred after the split and as I was heading into the finish. Handsome was waiting for me to come around and managed to get in a picture or two and some encouraging words. Am I a lucky woman or what? I have my very own McStudly who not only thinks I’m hot while running a race, but roots me on to the finish; talk about a prize!

6.) Woo Running in New York! Look at that sexy skyline, ain’t she a beeeaut! Glory be I’m running in NYC! I really wanted to be like the runners from other countries who had pinned their national flag to the back of the shirt, which in my case would be the Ohio pennant. Not as cool but definitely a statement to make. I did hold back the urge to ask people around me where they were from just so I could nod and then proudly state “oh, cool, I’m from Ohio and inwardly giggle gleefully since it looks like I traveled so far just to run in this race. Which, upon reflection, makes it seem borderline pathetic…

5.) If one more staff members screams “TO THE LEFT” I am going to whack-chop them in the knee. Which means I will obligingly duck my head and pull an Italian*.

4.) Hey, I’ve just passed 5 miles and that girl with the pink shorts who freaking keeps slowing down to a walk just to pick.up.the.run.right.before.I.catch.up. Eat my dust, Red Shorts Girl.

3.) If the expected 1,000,000 runners actually signed up for the race and paid the entrance fee, $5 of which goes to your choice of one of three charities, we just raised $5,000,000 for charity. Plus, runners could raise money for the charities by signing up people to pledge money for each mile ran in training and in the race.

2.) Two words: Finish Line! I had paced myself so well that I upped the ante the last two miles and finished really strong. There were two girls ahead who I locked onto as the runners to beat and I caught them and finished ahead!

1.) Wow. I just ran a 10K with 10,000 other people in the Big Apple.
Now, where is my studly hubby? Give me some sugar, Baby!



*Going all Italian on someone means to get thisclose to them while in a line and then continue on with any conversation or in-line activity. Ask Michael about the Empire State Building!

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

Mega-preacher's wife sued over loss of faith

• Victoria Osteen accused of assaulting Continental Airlines flight attendant
  
• Osteen is wife of Joel Osteen, whose sermons are televised nationally
  
• Flight attendant Sharon Brown alleges Osteen threw her against door
  
• Brown suing for damages equaling 10 percent of Victoria Osteen's net worth

HOUSTON, Texas (AP) -- She's the wife of a renowned evangelical pastor and one of the leaders of a Houston megachurch, but Victoria Osteen is being accused of behavior that wasn't very Christian.

Victoria Osteen leaves the courtroom with her husband, Joel Osteen, on Wednesday in Houston, Texas.

Opening arguments were set for Thursday in a lawsuit that accuses Victoria Osteen of assaulting Continental Airlines flight attendant Sharon Brown before the start of a 2005 flight from Houston to Vail, Colorado.

The lawyer for Victoria Osteen called the lawsuit silly and denied that her client assaulted Brown. Brown's attorney, Reginald McKamie, said he hopes the trial will show "that celebrity status doesn't take precedence."

Victoria Osteen is co-pastor at Lakewood Church, where her husband, Joel Osteen, preaches and where about 42,000 people flock each week. Joel Osteen's weekly television address is broadcast nationally and internationally.

Brown alleges Victoria Osteen threw her against a bathroom door and elbowed her in the left breast during an outburst over a stain on her first-class seat. The Federal Aviation Administration fined Victoria Osteen $3,000 for interfering with a crew member. Watch: A closer look at the case »

Victoria Osteen "clearly was angry on this flight," McKamie said.

Brown wants an apology and punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen's net worth as part of her suit.

A 12-person jury was seated Wednesday after lawyers spent several hours questioning a pool of 130 people. The questioning touched on religious beliefs, celebrity and the public's perception of preachers and televangelists.

Many of those in the jury pool said they had been to Lakewood Church and acknowledged holding the Osteens in high regard and being star-struck by them.

But other potential jurors said they didn't like preachers or televangelists and that ministers can lie.

Joel Osteen was at his wife's side Wednesday in court. McKamie said he expected to call the couple as witnesses.

According to an FAA report, Victoria Osteen pushed and elbowed Brown in an attempt to get to the plane's cockpit after two other attendants had not cleaned a liquid on her armrest.

Brown's suit says the flight attendants asked to have Victoria Osteen removed from the plane. Victoria Osteen's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, says his client and her family left voluntarily. The incident delayed the flight about 2½ hours.

Hardin asked that the FAA report's findings not be allowed in the trial, saying the agency's investigation was incomplete. State District Judge Patricia Hancock said she would make a decision later.

Brown had previously said she was attacked in another incident by an airport employee, according to a deposition she gave in the case.

According to court documents, Brown says that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident involving Victoria Osteen and said her faith was affected. She is also suing Victoria Osteen for medical expenses for counseling.

Herbal Happenstance: Herbs Behaving Badly

My herbs want to die.

They really do. They want to end life as they know it now.

Case in point:

I bought six (6) herbs over a period of a week. One Lavender (smells divine), two Rosemary (one of the traditionally used variety and one of a dwarf like "barbecue" variety - from which all of this nonsense might stem, although all leaves point towards Basil), one Parsley, one Oregano and the aforementioned Basil. Please read with the following pronunciation in mind as this variety prefers "Bahzhill." (I'm telling you, the instigator in all of this is Basil.....or is it?)

Now after acquiring all of said herbs, I have had no place to plant them. Written on ever single one of their plant tags, with no exception, were the words, "Plant in FULL SUN." Well then, as the budding gardener that I am, I aspire to plant to perfection. Follow those direction I shall! There's a window box on the inside of our balcony in the far corner which would be perfect. Except it's on the inside and therefore lacks full sun like is necessary for my hell bent on death precious plants. The afternoon after my purchases I found Parsley's stems leaning as far over to the south (the side with sun) as its stems could go. This just would not do. As this "windowbox" just won't hunt, and I had no over-the-wall planters, an executive decision had to be made. I decided to keep my foul-minded flora et fauna in their respective containers until I could provide them with the heavenly herbal habitat that was due them. I love(d) my herbs! Of course I would think nothing less than to provide them with the best! They have every vegetations right to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness! Or at least the right to enjoy all previous rights until I deem it necessary to eat them. That time is coming more quickly than previously anticipated.

Instead of planting them in the life-sapping inside-the-balcony window box just to remove them and plant them elsewhere, thus disrupting their fragile roots and stems, all that came about of my executive decision as the rightful owner of these heinous herbals was to prolong their planting until their own Eden had been created.

Did they take to that idea?

How about a resounding "No!"

I set them upon the wide ledge of our balcony in order to give them the fullest sunlight for the longest period of time, as much and for as long as I could possibly give. There were no other options. None.

Late one afternoon, three days after setting them upon the wide-as-Aunt Bertha's-hips ledge, Michael and I arrived home from work. There on the bottom steps of our staircase, on the cold hard, SUNLESS, concrete steps in a fiberous mess of leaves and stems lay my nemesis beloved Basil. Dear sweet Basil had flung himself off the Bertha ledge in an unprecedented attempt to end it all. We had arrived too late to save one large stem, but fortunately for Basil, he still has a promising life left yet to live. I know he can move past this tragic event. He.will. If it kills me. If I have to spend every waking minute watching that beastly Basil, I will, I will offer life to him and he will LIKE IT. THAT DAMN PLANT WILL SUCK IT UP AND LIVE.

I lovingly placed him back on the ledge, albeit a bit closer to the apartment. four days later, as we were leaving to go to my parents house, I noticed that the ledge seemed a bit.... sparse. Thinking nothing of it but that I had separated the perps in order to prevent conspiracy, I locked the door and we headed down to the car. Suddenly my life came crashing to a halt. There, on the bottom cold, hard, and concrete steps, er, cold hard and SUNLESS concrete steps lay two limp and lifeless aromatic plants. Parsley and Oregano. How could they? Parsley had long recovered from its tragic stem bending experience and Oregano, oh my dear sweet Oregano, you of all herbs, so lush and low, such an encouraging plant you are. You have such a great life!

I hurried them back up the stairs and placed them in the window box. In a desperate effort to ensure the safety of all my herbal hunnies, I placed each one in the window box. I scurried inside to fill some random vessel with water. Michael followed me halfway into the apartment but kept watch outside. As I filled said random vessel, out of the corner of my eye I caught Michael lunging out of the door to our balcony followed by a shout of "NO, DON'T DO IT!"

Sure enough, Rosemary the Dwarf had inched towards the ledge. I filled their containers with water, the better to weigh them down and hinder movement. As we drove to my parents I made an oath to buy window boxes at the earliest possible opportunity.

That evening we arrived home. I scoured the steps for any possible hints of attempted escape or suicide. I hesitantly made my way up the steps and rounded the top landing only to find that my fears were not yet to be set aside. There, in the window box, lay Basil and Parsley. Apparently as they could not fling themselves off the ledge, they did what they could to display their dissatisfaction. Sometimes I feel like my attempts are in vain. Why can they not embrace my love?

I went out the next day and bought two window boxes. The Rosemaries are now with the Lavender; Basil, Parsley, and Oregano are housed in their own window box. I wanted them to know I harbor no insult and that I can forgive, so I kept them with their comrades as best I could. As I am still lacking in over-the-wall brackets, I have placed the window-boxes on the ground.

I feel very victorious albeit defeated. They no longer have the ability to follow through with their suicidal plans..... of course, there's always a water-strike.

Mercy, cont'd

This bit is hodgepodge at its finest. A running dialogue if you will....

What does mercy look like when it's given to those who don't know they're in desperate need of it. If Christ died for me, did I as a young child know I needed it? No, but I know it now even if I had never been told it would save me. Something deep within me knows this world is not put to rights and I enmeshed in that. Putting me back to rights is happening right now and mercy given to the naive is doing that.

If you didn't know you needed mercy and you received it, can you fully embrace what you've been given? Or should that person offer up forgiveness without informing you? I would think that if you forgive someone (are merciful), you should not inform them if they do not know what they have done. I imagine that being a little awkward. Although, if I parked in someone's spot at work and heard about it from someone else and the person in whose parking spot I placed my car has not mentioned anything, just then I've been given mercy that I didn't know I needed and I am very grateful. Does that bode the same if it's a person I don't like? I say yes.

14 words.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Mercy.

Can one comprehend mercy? What does mercy look like? What does it feel like? What does the person giving it (0r God) gain? How do they feel? It's not free, there is a cost to the one bestowing it. What is that cost to the person; not the Greatest Debt Paid but the internal emotional or even literal cost?

For the person asking it and hopefully receiving it, mercy is life. Mercy feels like clear, clean, crisp water for a parched tongue. Mercy feels like true love. Mercy is the key that unlocks the chains that have us constricted and breathless. Mercy is the sword that slices through our fetters. When I'm asking for mercy, my heart and soul are in anguish. The muscles around them seize up and restrict all of my abilities. When the words of mercy are given, my lungs swell and my soul breathes the deepest breaths it can handle. When the words of mercy are given, sometimes I don't want to know the cost to the other person; the cost when I must give mercy is the torment of the soul for the time leading up to the gift. I would avoid causing anything that would require mercy as I know that process they must go through. Mercy is a great love.

*nota bene: do those who give mercy in the justice system and do those mechanically give mercy realize they are loving that person? Every act of mercy is an act of love. I wonder how many do not realize how much they are loving?*

More to come...

Just some random pictures with their captions

Mmhmm. Sometimes you just need some silliness.



see more crazy cat pics



see more crazy cat pics



see more crazy cat pics



see more crazy cat pics

Sometimes...

Sometimes -

I get tired of being me. I get tired of being sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I want that freedom I associate with not caring.

I wish that when I speak, I did not slow down to think of the words or hesitate between them. I speak like I write. It's easier that way. I'm sure it frustrates people when I'm talking, when I slow down after a word and frantically search for the one(s) to follow.

Words escape me. My vocabulary is slowly turning into a sludge of words that are combinations of Italian, English, and gibberish. This must contribute to the previous "Sometimes."

Jealousy permeates my being. This next part is somewhat sick in the head, but when it rises up within me, I acknowledge it but then take great joy in smacking it around and kicking it out. Maybe that's not doing much.

Being me is much more hard than it is to be someone else. I struggle with clinging to what is "me" and discarding what is not "me." That politeness which I was raised with still overrides how I would normally react. This is good in many cases but in the moments when I should be absolutely vulnerable, there is an internal duel to decide how "me" will appear. This is an innate part of me then, sometimes it is best just to realize that this is how I work and I must take the internal duel as part of how I work. Just thought of that. Interesting...

I wish this wedding monster would get off my back. Driving to work today I realized that part of the aforementioned "me" is tucked away until its time to come out arrives. That time to arrive will likely not come until after life settles down post-wedding. I have a vision of lying in bed in the early morning and not moving. Of not thinking about anything but the body next to me and what I want to do that day. Of taking my rudimentary painting skills to the next level. Of reading a book that I really want to read. Like a Vince Flynn CIA novel. I envision settling down in front of the tv or next to a window and crocheting until my fingers get tired or I have lost interest or my stitches stupefy even me. Whichever comes first. Sometimes I allow myself to dream that my creative side will rise up. That even though I'm a terribly painter (no really, it's pathetic), a mediocre ceramic thrower, and a so-so cook/baker, I will take off and bloom once my life blends and settles down. My home will be filled with my fun paintings and I won't care what people will think of them. We will use dinnerware that I created and decorate with my own vases. Our home will smell divine and Michael will be the prime example of my cooking abilities.

When I start speaking, I should just shut up. I'm much too eager to contribute to the conversation. It's this deep desire to let the other person know they are not alone or that we have this thin thread to share. While that's nice on paper (or screen) it's unlikely I convey myself that way.

It is only after the person has ended the conversation that I realize I finally understood what they were trying to say. Typically that's a couple hours later. Usually it's when someone approaches me for conversation and I'm engrossed in something else or have my mind occupied with many other thoughts and while I should focus on the person in front of me, my mind runs rampant and only eons later do I realize they needed something or wanted to share something. I still stand by my firm belief that it is never too late. This is why many times I will bring up the other person's conversation topic days later. *Chuckle. Nevah, Nevah, Nevah, Nevah, Nevah, Nevah, NEVAH, Give up!

I want to be enveloped by a song. This is why I love to dance. I don't like "fast" dancing or whatever it is they do to pop songs, but I love waltzing and sashaying, and twirling. I love being involved in the song. I never know what to do with my hands though. This is probably a great contributor to why I dance only when I have a partner. Speaking of which, would you believe but Michael likes to dance with me? Well... I don't know so much that he likes it but that he tolerates it. I think he sees how much I love it and for that he will dance with me.

This is quite private, this next bit, but maybe it's because I worked with Option Line, or maybe I just like being free with information, but I am now on birth control. They said it would be best if I started before our wedding night so if I needed to change the type we had plenty of time. Plainly put, this is a big deal for me. All my adolescent and young adult life I have carried the abstinence banner proudly. I realize that some girls are on bc because their body needs regulation. But for me, for this young girl, I never need birth control. I listened to my parents, I heeded their instructions. I love the Lord and cherish my wedding night. Starting birth control is giving up that innocence. I'm one step closer to shedding this young girl that I've always been. It might seem silly to everyone else, but to me, to me I am in mourning. I am burying a piece of my identity.


When I start writing, "me" reappears to reassure me that "I'm" still around.

N.T. Wright: a discussion on heaven.

Here's the link to the TIME article with N.T.Wright, the Bishop of Durham, on the subject of the distortion of heaven in the eyes of mainstream Christianity. The article follows.

Thursday, Feb. 07, 2008

Christians Wrong About Heaven, Says Bishop

By David Van Biema

N.T. "Tom" Wright is one of the most formidable figures in the world of Christian thought. As Bishop of Durham, he is the fourth most senior cleric in the Church of England and a major player in the strife-riven global Anglican Communion; as a much-read theologian and Biblical scholar he has taught at Cambridge and is a hero to conservative Christians worldwide for his 2003 book The Resurrection of the Son of God, which argued forcefully for a literal interpretation of that event.

It therefore comes as a something of a shock that Wright doesn't believe in heaven — at least, not in the way that millions of Christians understand the term. In his new book, Surprised by Hope (HarperOne), Wright quotes a children's book by California first lady Maria Shriver called What's Heaven, which describes it as "a beautiful place where you can sit on soft clouds and talk... If you're good throughout your life, then you get to go [there]... When your life is finished here on earth, God sends angels down to take you heaven to be with him." That, says Wright is a good example of "what not to say." The Biblical truth, he continues, "is very, very different."

Wright, 58, talked by phone with TIME's David Van Biema.

TIME: At one point you call the common view of heaven a "distortion and serious diminution of Christian hope."

Wright: It really is. I've often heard people say, "I'm going to heaven soon, and I won't need this stupid body there, thank goodness.' That's a very damaging distortion, all the more so for being unintentional.

TIME: How so? It seems like a typical sentiment.

Wright: There are several important respects in which it's unsupported by the New Testament. First, the timing. In the Bible we are told that you die, and enter an intermediate state. St. Paul is very clear that Jesus Christ has been raised from the dead already, but that nobody else has yet. Secondly, our physical state. The New Testament says that when Christ does return, the dead will experience a whole new life: not just our soul, but our bodies. And finally, the location. At no point do the resurrection narratives in the four Gospels say, "Jesus has been raised, therefore we are all going to heaven." It says that Christ is coming here, to join together the heavens and the Earth in an act of new creation.

TIME: Is there anything more in the Bible about the period between death and the resurrection of the dead?

Wright: We know that we will be with God and with Christ, resting and being refreshed. Paul writes that it will be conscious, but compared with being bodily alive, it will be like being asleep. The Wisdom of Solomon, a Jewish text from about the same time as Jesus, says "the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God," and that seems like a poetic way to put the Christian understanding, as well.

TIME: But it's not where the real action is, so to speak?

Wright: No. Our culture is very interested in life after death, but the New Testament is much more interested in what I've called the life after life after death — in the ultimate resurrection into the new heavens and the new Earth. Jesus' resurrection marks the beginning of a restoration that he will complete upon his return. Part of this will be the resurrection of all the dead, who will "awake," be embodied and participate in the renewal. John Polkinghorne, a physicist and a priest, has put it this way: "God will download our software onto his hardware until the time he gives us new hardware to run the software again for ourselves." That gets to two things nicely: that the period after death is a period when we are in God's presence but not active in our own bodies, and also that the more important transformation will be when we are again embodied and administering Christ's kingdom.

TIME: That is rather different from the common understanding. Did some Biblical verse contribute to our confusion?

Wright: There is Luke 23, where Jesus says to the good thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in Paradise." But in Luke, we know first of all that Christ himself will not be resurrected for three days, so "paradise" cannot be a resurrection. It has to be an intermediate state. And chapters 4 and 5 of Revelation, where there is a vision of worship in heaven that people imagine describes our worship at the end of time. In fact it's describing the worship that's going on right now. If you read the book through, you see that at the end we don't have a description of heaven, but, as I said, of the new heavens and the new earth joined together.

TIME: Why, then, have we misread those verses?

Wright: It has, originally, to do with the translation of Jewish ideas into Greek. The New Testament is deeply, deeply Jewish, and the Jews had for some time been intuiting a final, physical resurrection. They believed that the world of space and time and matter is messed up, but remains basically good, and God will eventually sort it out and put it right again. Belief in that goodness is absolutely essential to Christianity, both theologically and morally. But Greek-speaking Christians influenced by Plato saw our cosmos as shabby and misshapen and full of lies, and the idea was not to make it right, but to escape it and leave behind our material bodies. The church at its best has always come back toward the Hebrew view, but there have been times when the Greek view was very influential.

TIME: Can you give some historical examples?

Wright: Two obvious ones are Dante's great poetry, which sets up a Heaven, Purgatory and Hell immediately after death, and Michelangelo's Last Judgment in the Sistine chapel, which portrays heaven and hell as equal and opposite last destinations. Both had enormous influence on Western culture, so much so that many Christians think that is Christianity.

TIME: But it's not.

Wright: Never at any point do the Gospels or Paul say Jesus has been raised, therefore we are we are all going to heaven. They all say, Jesus is raised, therefore the new creation has begun, and we have a job to do.

TIME: That sounds a lot like... work.

Wright: It's more exciting than hanging around listening to nice music. In Revelation and Paul's letters we are told that God's people will actually be running the new world on God's behalf. The idea of our participation in the new creation goes back to Genesis, when humans are supposed to be running the Garden and looking after the animals. If you transpose that all the way through, it's a picture like the one that you get at the end of Revelation.

TIME: And it ties in to what you've written about this all having a moral dimension.

Wright: Both that, and the idea of bodily resurrection that people deny when they talk about their "souls going to Heaven." If people think "my physical body doesn't matter very much," then who cares what I do with it? And if people think that our world, our cosmos, doesn't matter much, who cares what we do with that? Much of "traditional" Christianity gives the impression that God has these rather arbitrary rules about how you have to behave, and if you disobey them you go to hell, rather than to heaven. What the New Testament really says is God wants you to be a renewed human being helping him to renew his creation, and his resurrection was the opening bell. And when he returns to fulfil the plan, you won't be going up there to him, he'll be coming down here.

TIME: That's very different from, say, the vision put out in the Left Behind books.

Wright: Yes. If there's going to be an Armageddon, and we'll all be in heaven already or raptured up just in time, it really doesn't matter if you have acid rain or greenhouse gases prior to that. Or, for that matter, whether you bombed civilians in Iraq. All that really matters is saving souls for that disembodied heaven.

TIME: Has anyone you've talked to expressed disappointment at the loss of the old view?

Wright: Yes, you might get disappointment in the case where somebody has recently gone through the death of somebody they love and they are wanting simply to be with them. And I'd say that's understandable. But the end of Revelation describes a marvelous human participation in God's plan. And in almost all cases, when I've explained this to people, there's a sense of excitement and a sense of, "Why haven't we been told this before?"

I wanted to title this "An essay on the life of a wedding." but it's really, "How we plan our wedding."

I had this big plan for telling you all about the life of a wedding and how I wanted to name the life "Minerva (or a big fat tack stuck to my rear end) but that might actually be a whole other post and I have started this one and proceeded too far to change it all around now. And I'm antsy to put a post up. I would have liked to have written it all out and actually given an essay on Minerva, but this is much easier and there is no desire to go through all that agony again was a bit more fun.

How we plan our wedding (sounds like we've had several and it sure feels like it). As experienced by Michael and Sarah.

1. Promise that under no circumstances will you cave to the gods of the wedding industry. From here on out it is, "Screw the wedding industry."
   
2. Set the date. Spend lots of time pouring over the calendar in the hopes that family does not have conflicts with the dates picked.
3. Head back to the calendar when dates picked to conflict with family plans.
   
4. Repeat #2 as many times as it takes until correct access code (i.e. date) is entered and move forward.
   
5. Encourage as many people as possible to save this date without actually saving it so that in case #2 pops up, nothing was yet solidified.
   
6. Start picking out colors. Realize that colors don't matter a whit and yet they're a nasty necessity. Silently pick out black and gray just by spite. Ours turned out to be deep red and something. Never did quite figure out the complementary color.
   
7. Make up the guest list. This will takes years hours and hours so settle down with a large diet coke, popcorn, and make sure bride and groom have settled all aggravations between them so that guest selection does not incite bursts of argument. We took turns and just listed everyone we knew. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. I mean, of course they're going to want to come to our wedding, we're amazing! (but really, we did want as many people to come and share in this time. We would use force if necessary (or bribery))
8. Make up the bridesmaid list. Think of a few new words for "agony." How does "excruciating" sound?
9. Think up a preliminary shower list.
   
10. Send off guest list to parental units so they can fill in addresses. Parents have address books. Plus, whoever they add to the list will probably be the aunts and uncles and cousins whom you haven't seen in years and yet will cause centuries of strife if they aren't invited. So basically the parents will save the day.
11. Search for endless hours for a church to get married in. If you really really thought it through, you might reconsider your homechurch and forget the fact that it's 3 hours away from someone elses home. The endless hours will be just that.
    
12. Silently scream for hours on end that this is getting ridiculous. Keep searching for a church.
13. Visit a few, think "ok, this will work." Find out that churches are INSANELY expensive and make a mental note to stress to anyone you know that they must give their tithes. (not interested in discussion on how a tithe is God's money. I realize that. I also realize that realistically, that money is going into the church's upkeep and if everyone who attended church gave their tithe, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY $1500 FOR A 30MIN CEREMONY!)
14. Insert "Reception Location" in lieu of church for #8-10 and omit the part of about tithing.
    
15. Start inwardly groaning every time anyone brings up your wedding. Silently wish they would drop through a hole in the floor. Smile.
    
16. Realize that you are slowly being overcome by the wedding industry. Come to grips with the fact that #1 will have some addendums. Realize you can't actually stick it to the wedding industry and in some situations they are kinda right. Hate yourself for thinking that.
    
17. Go dress shopping. This will be a silver lining (yes, there are more silver linings to come) in the dim world of weddingness.
18. Find the dress of your dreams and wonder why in the world have you never considered one like it before. It's gorgeous.
    
19. Mention the dress anytime anyone wants to bring up your wedding and asks how the planning is going. Gush on and on about the dress until the person no longer wants to talk about the wedding and forgets why they wanted to talk to you in the first place. Works everytime.
    
20. Pre-marital counseling will be a time to hear the comrade lover brag and boast about you to other people. It will also be a time to share just why you are getting married. It's pretty cool. (DISCLAIMER: Michael and I work very well together, we use all parts of our mental capabilities, although the P-MC is treated lightly here it's only because we've worked very hard at our relationship and I think we've earned the right to speak humourously about it).
21. Start planning what you will serve at the reception. This will have been discussed when looking at reception halls, planning the colors, etc. But really, there will be a separate, equally grueling discussion on this when the parents are pulled in. Best to both be united on what foods will be served.)
22. Look at bridesmaids dresses. Groan in agony that you really wanted black but you might do red but if you do red you can't have red roses and lord knows you want red roses and they do not look good against red dresses and GASP, the carpeting in that ridiculously expensive church you want is red and red dresses and red flowers on a red carpet just.won't.do. Look at styles. Do you want them to match your dress? Why would you want them to match your dress? It's y.o.u.r. dress! But matching would be neat! Screw neat. They're dresses. Go strapless. Go tea length. Pull your hair out trying to find strapless tea-length dresses from the same designer that's making your dress, look at other places, almost curse those other designers for making lame dresses that make bridesmaids look like grandmothers. Wonder who in their right mind would design a dress that NOBODY WANTS TO WEAR! For the millionth time you pull close to you the mantra of #1. and then push it away for a bit while you try to figure out what colors the bridesmaids dresses could be in order to make everything pretty.
    
23. Decide to go black. Black is chic, the LBD is a powerful option for a woman to have. If it's in her closet she's ready to go.
    
24. Pat yourself on the back.
    
25. Go to book the reception hall. Refrain because it just doesn't feel right.
    
26. Repeat #25 several times. Relax when this is explained to amazing hubby-to-be and he ends up trusting you more than you trust yourself and says it's ok to wait.
    
27. Look for more churches. E-mail every church you find that has an e-mail. Visit the ones who don't respond. Spend time wondering about the distance between ceremony and reception. Groan again when you realize the church you can use is too far away.
    
28. Receive e-mails stating that
    
1. although your wedding is on a Friday, the church does not perform more than one ceremony.
   
2. You must use their pastor.
3. You're not a member so sorry.
4. it's $1500 and that doesn't include a diamond bracelet.
   
29. Realize you still have a honeymoon to plan.
30. ealize you have no place to live once you get married.
31. Realize you can't find a place to live until you get this monster off your back that everyone keeps referring to as a wedding.
    
32. Hold the hand of your comrade lover and hope that somehow you are spending more time preparing for marriage than planning a wedding. Hope that wedding planning counts towards that.
    
33. Bang your head on the desk when you realize you haven't done anything non-wedding related in forever and that all you really want to do is curl up on the couch and read a book but you have no time to do so and are sapped of what energy you might have used to do so. And really, the stress is too great to even think of taking time off to read a book. Sheesh, that's for retired people!
    
34. Chuckle when you realize that when you and the hubs joked about your parents finally meeting at the wedding, you didn't actually believe what you said but now it's looking like it. Maybe that's best.
    
35. Decide it's not best and invite them to lunch at a spanish restaurant in town in the hopes that a neutral territory will ensure a peaceful time. Bank on it.
    
36. Go to the luncheon. Forget to tell all parental units that you do not, under any circumstances, desire in any way shape or form to speak of the wedding. Yeah, just let that one completely slip your mind. I mean, don't even give it a nanosecond of a chance to form. They're meeting for the first time. Of course they won't want to. Of course they will spend the entire time talking about you and Michael when you were kids and what life is like now they are all grown up. Naturally it won't occur to them to even bring up the slightest little hint of a wedding. The thought will be the furthest thing from your min.
37. Order a beer when you realize there is only one thing they will speak of at the luncheon. One thing. There will be only ONE THING they want to talk about. Guess? I mean, I know I know, I haven't even given you the slightest hint as to what that might be. But do, please do, take a gander. Just throw something out there. "Wedding" did you say? Really? You have a plethora of possibilities and you pick "wedding"? Cheater.
38. Start a drinking at the Sunday afternoon luncheon. Every time anyone mentions anything related to "wedding" one swig is allowed.
    
39. Wonder how many beers that's going to be. Oh. It's going to be a lot.
40. Limit yourself to the one bottle. Ticking off your parents is one thing, they'll forgive. Let's not push it with the future in-laws. It was pure luck that that last snippy comment made about something someone said about the wedding was only noticed by Michael.
    
41. Kick yourself when you let another one slip but refuse to put the drink down.
    
42. Dash headlong through the doors to freedom. Walk out with the family and know that they mean well and they really love you and they're only bringing this up because they care.
    
43. Holler the whole way home that "you can't believe they did that and OMGosh what were they thinking and HOLY CRAP was that the luncheon from h..(parents, if you are reading this I am only using this to bring in a wider demographic reading audience. Or just an audience at all. Thank you so much for the next part.)"
    
44. Stand in shock when the love of your life looks you straight in the eyes (once home) and says, "Sarah, I could really go to Scotland." That line was previously said but you were sure he was joking and yet now he's standing in front of you in all seriousness.
    
45. Let minutes tick off the clock while holding your breath.
    
46. Exhale. Inhale.
    
47. Suddenly the blood starts pumping again and some serious lightheadedness takes place. Scotland.
48. Jump up and down and all around when it's realized that nothing has been booked, bought (aside from the dress) or ordered. Hoot and holler while the dream becomes reality.
    
49. Speak breathlessly while frantically grasping at anything that might prohibit this dream from manifesting itself.
    
50. Kiss and hug and shout with joy as you and the groom-to-be finally find yourselves again.
    
51. Begin the real wedding planning. (and spend lots of time thanking your parents for being just who they are. Wonder in amazement that they are even letting you do this and never ever ever forget to remind them how priceless this is to you."
    

A Conversation.

It's been on my heart to call up a very dear friend of mine; unfortunately time and energy has had to be directed elsewhere. Fortunately Christ has been on her heart as much as he has been on mine, only she just acted on it and contacted me via that beautiful creation which is google talk. Here's something I don't think she'd mind if I shared from our conversation, it's me writing to her, responding to her desire to hear my heart. The reason I am posting this is because it's a very clear, concise description of what's going on in my heart right now. So I must thank her immensely for asking and allowing me to share.

I just want to share what is happening with the wedding plans, the pain of people's reactions when they stand back and their faces reflect the shock they are verbally expressing at how soon we are getting married. Instead of sharing in the joy that is us and Christ bringing us into a union with Him.

I wanted to share the frustration of people not understanding how good Michael and I are together. How we really function as a unit and work at our relationship. How we're not basing this relationship on emotion but a deep understanding that we believe this is what Christ wants for us, this is the best that he wants to give us and how we work so well as people, let alone as a couple who dearly love each other.

I wanted to talk about how wonderful it is that I am a bride! I'm getting married to the man I never dared dream might exist. How wonderful it is that I get an experience that is directly related to how we as the bride of Christ will feel on the day He comes again for us.

I wanted to talk about how nervous I get at moments but when I think that Mic is going to be my husband and we are going to learn to work even better together, I am filled with peace and joy and excitement.

I wanted to talk about how we'll fight as a married couple, how he'll drive me insane at moments, but how we'll get through the fires and and how we'll go on at the point so many couples turn back and say it's not worth it.