I wanted to title this "An essay on the life of a wedding." but it's really, "How we plan our wedding."

I had this big plan for telling you all about the life of a wedding and how I wanted to name the life "Minerva (or a big fat tack stuck to my rear end) but that might actually be a whole other post and I have started this one and proceeded too far to change it all around now. And I'm antsy to put a post up. I would have liked to have written it all out and actually given an essay on Minerva, but this is much easier and there is no desire to go through all that agony again was a bit more fun.

How we plan our wedding (sounds like we've had several and it sure feels like it). As experienced by Michael and Sarah.

1. Promise that under no circumstances will you cave to the gods of the wedding industry. From here on out it is, "Screw the wedding industry."
   
2. Set the date. Spend lots of time pouring over the calendar in the hopes that family does not have conflicts with the dates picked.
3. Head back to the calendar when dates picked to conflict with family plans.
   
4. Repeat #2 as many times as it takes until correct access code (i.e. date) is entered and move forward.
   
5. Encourage as many people as possible to save this date without actually saving it so that in case #2 pops up, nothing was yet solidified.
   
6. Start picking out colors. Realize that colors don't matter a whit and yet they're a nasty necessity. Silently pick out black and gray just by spite. Ours turned out to be deep red and something. Never did quite figure out the complementary color.
   
7. Make up the guest list. This will takes years hours and hours so settle down with a large diet coke, popcorn, and make sure bride and groom have settled all aggravations between them so that guest selection does not incite bursts of argument. We took turns and just listed everyone we knew. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. I mean, of course they're going to want to come to our wedding, we're amazing! (but really, we did want as many people to come and share in this time. We would use force if necessary (or bribery))
8. Make up the bridesmaid list. Think of a few new words for "agony." How does "excruciating" sound?
9. Think up a preliminary shower list.
   
10. Send off guest list to parental units so they can fill in addresses. Parents have address books. Plus, whoever they add to the list will probably be the aunts and uncles and cousins whom you haven't seen in years and yet will cause centuries of strife if they aren't invited. So basically the parents will save the day.
11. Search for endless hours for a church to get married in. If you really really thought it through, you might reconsider your homechurch and forget the fact that it's 3 hours away from someone elses home. The endless hours will be just that.
    
12. Silently scream for hours on end that this is getting ridiculous. Keep searching for a church.
13. Visit a few, think "ok, this will work." Find out that churches are INSANELY expensive and make a mental note to stress to anyone you know that they must give their tithes. (not interested in discussion on how a tithe is God's money. I realize that. I also realize that realistically, that money is going into the church's upkeep and if everyone who attended church gave their tithe, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY $1500 FOR A 30MIN CEREMONY!)
14. Insert "Reception Location" in lieu of church for #8-10 and omit the part of about tithing.
    
15. Start inwardly groaning every time anyone brings up your wedding. Silently wish they would drop through a hole in the floor. Smile.
    
16. Realize that you are slowly being overcome by the wedding industry. Come to grips with the fact that #1 will have some addendums. Realize you can't actually stick it to the wedding industry and in some situations they are kinda right. Hate yourself for thinking that.
    
17. Go dress shopping. This will be a silver lining (yes, there are more silver linings to come) in the dim world of weddingness.
18. Find the dress of your dreams and wonder why in the world have you never considered one like it before. It's gorgeous.
    
19. Mention the dress anytime anyone wants to bring up your wedding and asks how the planning is going. Gush on and on about the dress until the person no longer wants to talk about the wedding and forgets why they wanted to talk to you in the first place. Works everytime.
    
20. Pre-marital counseling will be a time to hear the comrade lover brag and boast about you to other people. It will also be a time to share just why you are getting married. It's pretty cool. (DISCLAIMER: Michael and I work very well together, we use all parts of our mental capabilities, although the P-MC is treated lightly here it's only because we've worked very hard at our relationship and I think we've earned the right to speak humourously about it).
21. Start planning what you will serve at the reception. This will have been discussed when looking at reception halls, planning the colors, etc. But really, there will be a separate, equally grueling discussion on this when the parents are pulled in. Best to both be united on what foods will be served.)
22. Look at bridesmaids dresses. Groan in agony that you really wanted black but you might do red but if you do red you can't have red roses and lord knows you want red roses and they do not look good against red dresses and GASP, the carpeting in that ridiculously expensive church you want is red and red dresses and red flowers on a red carpet just.won't.do. Look at styles. Do you want them to match your dress? Why would you want them to match your dress? It's y.o.u.r. dress! But matching would be neat! Screw neat. They're dresses. Go strapless. Go tea length. Pull your hair out trying to find strapless tea-length dresses from the same designer that's making your dress, look at other places, almost curse those other designers for making lame dresses that make bridesmaids look like grandmothers. Wonder who in their right mind would design a dress that NOBODY WANTS TO WEAR! For the millionth time you pull close to you the mantra of #1. and then push it away for a bit while you try to figure out what colors the bridesmaids dresses could be in order to make everything pretty.
    
23. Decide to go black. Black is chic, the LBD is a powerful option for a woman to have. If it's in her closet she's ready to go.
    
24. Pat yourself on the back.
    
25. Go to book the reception hall. Refrain because it just doesn't feel right.
    
26. Repeat #25 several times. Relax when this is explained to amazing hubby-to-be and he ends up trusting you more than you trust yourself and says it's ok to wait.
    
27. Look for more churches. E-mail every church you find that has an e-mail. Visit the ones who don't respond. Spend time wondering about the distance between ceremony and reception. Groan again when you realize the church you can use is too far away.
    
28. Receive e-mails stating that
    
1. although your wedding is on a Friday, the church does not perform more than one ceremony.
   
2. You must use their pastor.
3. You're not a member so sorry.
4. it's $1500 and that doesn't include a diamond bracelet.
   
29. Realize you still have a honeymoon to plan.
30. ealize you have no place to live once you get married.
31. Realize you can't find a place to live until you get this monster off your back that everyone keeps referring to as a wedding.
    
32. Hold the hand of your comrade lover and hope that somehow you are spending more time preparing for marriage than planning a wedding. Hope that wedding planning counts towards that.
    
33. Bang your head on the desk when you realize you haven't done anything non-wedding related in forever and that all you really want to do is curl up on the couch and read a book but you have no time to do so and are sapped of what energy you might have used to do so. And really, the stress is too great to even think of taking time off to read a book. Sheesh, that's for retired people!
    
34. Chuckle when you realize that when you and the hubs joked about your parents finally meeting at the wedding, you didn't actually believe what you said but now it's looking like it. Maybe that's best.
    
35. Decide it's not best and invite them to lunch at a spanish restaurant in town in the hopes that a neutral territory will ensure a peaceful time. Bank on it.
    
36. Go to the luncheon. Forget to tell all parental units that you do not, under any circumstances, desire in any way shape or form to speak of the wedding. Yeah, just let that one completely slip your mind. I mean, don't even give it a nanosecond of a chance to form. They're meeting for the first time. Of course they won't want to. Of course they will spend the entire time talking about you and Michael when you were kids and what life is like now they are all grown up. Naturally it won't occur to them to even bring up the slightest little hint of a wedding. The thought will be the furthest thing from your min.
37. Order a beer when you realize there is only one thing they will speak of at the luncheon. One thing. There will be only ONE THING they want to talk about. Guess? I mean, I know I know, I haven't even given you the slightest hint as to what that might be. But do, please do, take a gander. Just throw something out there. "Wedding" did you say? Really? You have a plethora of possibilities and you pick "wedding"? Cheater.
38. Start a drinking at the Sunday afternoon luncheon. Every time anyone mentions anything related to "wedding" one swig is allowed.
    
39. Wonder how many beers that's going to be. Oh. It's going to be a lot.
40. Limit yourself to the one bottle. Ticking off your parents is one thing, they'll forgive. Let's not push it with the future in-laws. It was pure luck that that last snippy comment made about something someone said about the wedding was only noticed by Michael.
    
41. Kick yourself when you let another one slip but refuse to put the drink down.
    
42. Dash headlong through the doors to freedom. Walk out with the family and know that they mean well and they really love you and they're only bringing this up because they care.
    
43. Holler the whole way home that "you can't believe they did that and OMGosh what were they thinking and HOLY CRAP was that the luncheon from h..(parents, if you are reading this I am only using this to bring in a wider demographic reading audience. Or just an audience at all. Thank you so much for the next part.)"
    
44. Stand in shock when the love of your life looks you straight in the eyes (once home) and says, "Sarah, I could really go to Scotland." That line was previously said but you were sure he was joking and yet now he's standing in front of you in all seriousness.
    
45. Let minutes tick off the clock while holding your breath.
    
46. Exhale. Inhale.
    
47. Suddenly the blood starts pumping again and some serious lightheadedness takes place. Scotland.
48. Jump up and down and all around when it's realized that nothing has been booked, bought (aside from the dress) or ordered. Hoot and holler while the dream becomes reality.
    
49. Speak breathlessly while frantically grasping at anything that might prohibit this dream from manifesting itself.
    
50. Kiss and hug and shout with joy as you and the groom-to-be finally find yourselves again.
    
51. Begin the real wedding planning. (and spend lots of time thanking your parents for being just who they are. Wonder in amazement that they are even letting you do this and never ever ever forget to remind them how priceless this is to you."