The price paid.

What is the cost of freedom?

Is the price paid worth it?

Why is it that I look around and feel guilty to be an American... ashamed at all that I have, embarrassed to admit I have it. I have it all. I'm living on stolen land, living a stolen life, preparing for a future that, by basic human rights, should not be mine.

I have nothing to be proud of, everything to be ashamed of, and so much for which I will never be thankful enough.

I enter this July 4th wondering if I will join the masses emblazoned in the red, white, and blue. Pieces of me want to paint it all over my body and display these mighty colors for all to see. The other pieces want me to quietly offer up my thanks and duck my head in shame for all that we as "Patriots" have done.

What right have I to be a proud American?

I am so confused. Do I gather the beautiful banner and wrap her around me, relishing in the glory and the pain and the triumph that is our history and future? I cannot be ungrateful towards all those that have fought, suffered, and died so that my life may exist. I realize that part of what they fought for was the right for me to air this question out and allow it space within me. I cannot say, "Thanks... but no thanks."

Can I really be honestly proud to be an American? Can I dare not to? Do I separate myself from the masses who would blindly and wantonly wear these universally known colors and think that my thankfulness is much deeper and more sincere than theirs?

This is almost parallel to how I feel about mainstream Christianity and my honest desire to know Christ and be known for loving and following him- without hating/despising/looking down on all others in utter ignorance.

Corn-fed (by that I mean hear it and believe it and then speak it)Christians (funny they're all Americans--except for that crazy "I am the new Christ" South American or Mexican) make me so angry! They only believe because they've listened and they only speak that which they've heard or read from mainstream sold-out-for-celebrity-status Christian authors. Where is the "real" Christianity? It's really not that much work to seek and find and question until you do. Put some elbow grease into it people.

I'll clean this all up later. Thanks for letting me vent.