The Agony of Earth

Do you ever watch a movie and it so stirs you that you cannot watch it again for several months?

I do. I’ll watch a movie and it will break my heart in a way that I cannot express. The girl deep inside of me will cry out and say, “That’s supposed to be me!” It’s a very rare movie that will have that effect on me but when it happens, it’s a most severe stab to the heart. There is never a greater blow to the heart than the one that affects the soul. The girl that I really am, the perfect girl inside who I really would be without the Fall, cries out because she knows that character. She says, “Yes, that is me, that is who I should have been!” Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m now and I am who I am because that is who I've been created to be but the Fall’s effects are still being felt. Wouldn’t we all be different (drastically) had the Fall never happened? I digress. The point is not the Fall but the person you are deep within that has remained unaffected by the Fall and that is your true person, your Name.

Recall that in heaven we will all be given our True name. I maintain that there is part of me that knows my True name and when it comes across examples of it in this world, my soul leaps out with that recognition. When that happens I am not sure of how I should handle it. I just know that I cannot go near whatever it was that my soul knew because of the heartbreak that ensues. The object that my soul recognizes as part of my Name nearly pierces my soul and that area is so tender that to go near it again would only cause more heartbreak. Certain music, books, movies, and interactions cause that injury. The injury, besides being composed of heart-wrenching pain, also feels like a kick to the stomach. The days after said event usually are filled with a certain amount of grief, despair, and a touch of depression. My heart, interestingly enough, does feel a great amount of joy in the recognition of a part of its Name but the aftertaste of reality sets in not soon after.

Heaven will be that Name. I’ve no doubt now that Heaven will be that which fulfills my soul’s thirst for a Name. If ever I wanted to be a character in a movie, the agony that my soul feels by that desire will be met by Heaven. That is where I will be whole, that is where I will be my Name, I will be the true Sarah.

John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart, which should be read by every human, talks in great detail about the moments here on Earth that are glimpses of heaven and our true Names. Nostalgia is a great example, i.e. “The Good Ol’ Days,” another example would be when hiking out in the countryside and the view just takes your breath away. Music and lyrics that “speak” to you, books where your soul says, “Yes, I know that! Art, be it in any form, that causes your heart to ache even just a bit are tastes of what Heaven will be. Heaven is not The Land of Fulfillment of our every “worldly” desire nor is it the land of eternal harp playing (or attempting, for some of us). If our soul reacts towards those particular moments here on Earth when it recognizes its true name, can we not acknowledge that He Who created us will not deny us our true identity when we are reunited with Him? Would the Bridegroom deny anything His Bride? If He surrendered His very life so that we might be reunited with Him for eternity, if He has gone through those great lengths even to death, to save us, do you honestly believe He would relegate us to anything less than complete unity with our Truthful names?

That is what my soul must realize in order to continue on past the brutal agony when it cannot be joined with its Name in this life. The pain is much to “personal” to bear without the promise of eternity as my Name. The simple things that speak to my soul i.e. the desire to be the beauty to be rescued, the desire to share in a great adventure, and the desire to be desired, are just too great to be ignored. Yet I cannot help but resign myself to the knowledge that those desires will not be met during my time on this Earth. Those desires were created for a reason, they are there because they are who I am, but they will not be met now. And that is why my hope rests in He Who created me. Those are the treasures I look forward to, nay, desperately look forward to, enjoying.