Nota Bene: I love most movies. Not all movies but most movies. Not silly chick-flicks or horror/gory movies and not romantic comedies but the movies where deep inside you emotions are affected by the circumstances and characters in that movie. The emotions that the world does not see and you yourself might not know what they are but they are moved. Be it action/adventure, drama, or even comedy. Do not discredit emotions because they might react to a movie. Do not scoff but know this: whoever created that movie and whoever had the idea for that movie knew those emotions you are feeling. That's my take on it. I will be referencing to many a movie character in this post, if you're one to jest and poke fun then this post is not for you to read. Thank you.
It's come to this: I have resigned myself to the knowledge that I will most likely lead a peaceful and harmonious life for the next 60+ years (or longer, depending on if they find that stinkin' Fountain of Youth... gosh Cortez! *chuckle*). For many people that would be a desire met. How many people long for a peaceful life in harmony with the rest of mankind? And I take it for granted. Strife, I do not ask for but possibly tragedy and most definitely adventure and passion. I only ask that I feel. I want to know that I can feel.
I recently took a personality test for church and basically I'm personality-less. Well, not true, but the results came back that I had unclear goals in life and thus my personality at this time cannot be determined. Well, my core personality that is, my outer mask is one of "Adviser." Whoopdy Doo. It's true though, I do have unclear goals. In fact, I wonder if my goals (other than loving and following my Lord which is definitely the prime goal of my life) even exist. I would even go so far as to say that in lieu of the fact I do not have any goals that in and of itself is a reflection of the lack of emotion within me. Follow? Right, probably not, but pretend you do.
Point is: Am I never to experience a Great Adventure and a real passion for something? (Before I go to far, realize that I'm not asking for tragedy and a harsh life, just adventure and passion and not passion as the world would think) I used to think that I was a mistake. Not a pregnancy mistake but that God is preparing for the Rapture and realized that little curly-haired me still had yet to grace the Earth with her presence (that's right, grace you all with my wonderful presence...yup, you heard me) and so he threw me in right quick before the end times. Now I know those are only lies from the enemy of our souls but it's still hard not to wonder why I am here now. Why not 700 years ago? Why not 100 years ago? (nota bene due: Yes, I know how hard it was back then, I happen to know a bit about history so back up off it) Why now? Why in the U.S? Why in Ohio (Well, obviously God is a Buckeye...)
If I am created uniquely to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength, and if I am created the way I am, with these desires for adventure and passion, then is there a reason for this cubicle existence? Point is: Will I ever be rescued like Elizabeth in "Pirates of the Caribbean," and Jessica in "Man from Snowy River"? Will I ever sob like Christian in "Moulin Rouge"? Will there be a daring mission where I am needed? Will I ever risk my life to save another's as Maj. Winters does in "Band of Brothers"? Will I ever really care about something? Am I not focused on the Lord enough? Have I skipped over something basic in Christianity 101? Is it because I live in the U.S? Or is it a matter of faith? It could very well be that I must wait. All that is needed is a promise that yes, I will partake in a great adventure and will know someday what it is to be passionate about something. (I feel a lot better now that I wrote this all down, not so... panicky now)
I love how soundtracks and certain songs pluck at your heartstrings. I've been listening a lot to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Last of the Mohicans" soundtrack along with "Star Wars," "Man from Snowy River," "Rhapsody in Blue," and "Saving Private Ryan." Throw in some more instrumental soundtracks and my heart is all over the place. Then I start looking over pictures of England and France and next thing you know, I"m thinking "Ok Lord, what about the part where I'm supposed to be a young Lady Wakefield cantering all over the countryside?" Oh yeah, and "Lord... what the heck am I doing in Ohio? Shouldn't I be winning cross-country event or travelling around on a small yacht, living off the ocean? What about the part where I help find a historical treasure? Remember that life I'm supposed to save in that foreign land? What about where I'm sitting on the patio of a small villa overlooking the clear waters of an Alpine lake?..... Um, Lord...?"
And that's what starts a post like this one.
1 comment:
I am one of those people for whom a peaceful and harmonious life would be a desire met. But I also believe that a peaceful and harmonious life does not have to mean a life devoid of passion and adventure.
You can have passion for your family - your spouse and children. And I am sure that raising a family will be very an adventure in itself. I think that can be more fulfilling than what most people tend to equate with adventure and passion. But, maybe that's just me.
I remember reading once that deep down most if not all women secretly have a fantasy of being rescued (like Elizabeth) and that most if not all men secretly have a fantasy of rescuing a woman in that way. I have no way of knowing if that is true but I suspect that it might be.
And when it comes to risking one's life to save another I have always had the desire to die saving someone's life - especially someone I loved. But I also have this strange feeling that instead of taking a bullet for someone I will most likely be killed by some idiot on a cell phone running a stop sign. And that's just not adventurous at all.
I can really sympathize with your questioning why you are living in the here and now. I have often thought that I belonged in a different time and place. Medieval England would be great. Or Rennaisance Italy. Or...anywhere but 21st century Ohio. But I suppose that is all part of a greater plan.
And now I stop. I really seem to have a thing for rambling tonight.
James
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