Easing up

I think I can finally breathe again. It comes with our nature, I believe, to over think things and mull over them until the point of obsession. At least it is mine! As soon as an idea forms within my mind, forget common sense and reality. Take my last few posts for example. Well, just the last two. The first one (Stupid wonderful life) obsessed over moving out on my own. I don't think I'm bold enough to say my mind. When, through patience and consideration, I was able to talk it out with someone I respect, I found that I wasn't fearful, I wasn't a coward, I just plain and simple felt no need to strike out on my own. Now that I've addressed that issue, it's probably very likely that I will. But now that I've calmed down and don't have to, I'm much more open to the idea. I had a horse that every time I introduced something new, she balked. As soon as I released her from any pressure of having to do that, the next time I asked her she was more than willing to go through with it.

I think it comes with the territory. I'm a fairly cheerful person. To think negatively feels like nails on chalkboard and so my joy is very dear to me, we get along quite well. However, my joy is something that once obtained, I have to fight to retain. Doubts and insecurities will creep in as soon as joy walks through the door. It's hard to fight for something that is now overshadowed by doubt! What's the point in fighting for something that might not really exist? It's easy to be joyful when surrounded by joyful people, but as soon as I'm alone the doubts creep in. Not fair, huh! Well, I like to think I'm a hot commodity for the Kingdom and if my joy is stolen, then who will I want share His love with? I tend to frustrate, annoy, and irritate those around me (as does anyone in my position) when my joy is gone, it's just against my nature. I become grounded in myself and desperate to try anything to regain my joy. Things dear to me become even dearer (aka my life, those close to me) and I fear that if my joy is gone, I'll lose them.

It's scary to be so honest! What eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) happens though is that somewhere along the line, the Spirit manages to force it's way through all the commotion and through me a lifeline. There's always a note attached to this lifeline with these words, "I AM." At the risk of sounding.... cheesy, He is my calm in the storm. I step out of the whirl of my life and into His calm reality. My life is not my own, everything around me and in my life is there only for as long as God wills it. Such sweet surrender comes from that knowledge. It's quite freeing actually. I'm pretty sure there's a nice little pattern in my blogging as well. Weeks will go by lighthearted and cheerful, then there will be a flurry of desperate sounding posts, followed by the "whew, I made it through," post. This is one of them. David had them too.

Wait, a tic.. don't those with genius capabilities go through these ups and downs? Hmm.